After the Rain
by KarinaKamichi
Summary: For some people, the sound of rain could be seen as comforting. However, there are others who, when it rains, can only feel regret, as painful memories from the past are all they see. Sometimes, those feelings become unbearable, and any kind of hope, or feelings of reassurance they may have had, is lost, their will to live shattered. Plz R&R.
1. Chapter 1

**Story: **_After the Rain, Chapter 1_

**Summary: **_For some people, the sound of rain can be seen as comforting. However, there are others who, when it rains, can only feel regret, as it brings back painful memories from the past. Sometimes, those feelings become unbearable, and any kind of hope, or feelings of reassurance they may have had, is lost, their will to live shattered._

**Disclaimer: **_I don't own bleach, nor do I own Renji or Rukia. Tite Kubo alone has owner. That should be obviously, though, considering that this wouldn't even called a fanfiction, for the 'creator' of a tv show cannot be a 'fan'._

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For some people, the sound of rain could be seen as comforting. However, there are others who, when it rains, can only feel regret, as painful memories from the past are all they see. Sometimes, even if it's only for a moment, those feelings become unbearable, and any kind of hope, or feelings of reassurance they may have had, is lost, their will to live shattered.

A certain petite Shinigami stood near a tree, staring into space. Dark clouds had settled in the sky. She was currently oblivious to her surroundings and the rain that continuously splashed in her face. Her Kimono was soaked, along with her hair, her face completely void of any emotions.

The past week had gone by much too slowly. In that time, the rain had not stopped once. It was a like the long and continuous cycle of soul rebirth. She'd been coming to the same spot each day. Two nights before, Byakuya had questioned where she was going, her answer giving no particular just told him she was going out for a bit. He didn't seem too happy about it, as you could tell by the tension surrounding them, however, he pressed no further.

"Ukitake-taichou is personally asking for your strength tomorrow. As you know, failure is not permissible in the Kuchiki clan. I do expect you to do your best." were his last words to her, before turning back to his paperwork. She had her back, with an emotionless expression that could slightly compare to Byakuya's.

"H-hai, Nii-sama..." had been her only response, before stepping out of the room and leaving him to himself.

Her thoughts and haunting memories from her past led her to that same exact spot _every_ time it rained. Every single time the cursed rain fell, she found herself standing in front of where Kaien had died, after being impaled by her Zanpakuto.

She could remember everything about that horrible night, and her every cry, as if it'd just happened moments ago. As if he was still right there at her feet, _dying._

Her legs shook beneath her unsteadily, suddenly growing heavy. Her chest throbbed, as she gulped, biting her bottom lip to prevent herself crying. She wouldn't have wanted him to see her crying. No, she had to be _strong_, and not cry. That's the last thing he would've cared to see, even if she _was_ the one whose blade had shed his blood; even if it _was_ her who killed him. Most definitely, that's just who Kaien Shiba was.

That's when she remembered the looks of horror on Kaien's younger siblings' faces, after she'd stepped into the Shiba House, and was forced to deliver the news, regarding their brother's death. There was no way she could ever forget the look in their eyes, which harbored many feelings, _both_ sharing the same loathsome glare, and one thing stood out in their eyes, more than anything else; hate.

It wasn't until after her execution was stopped with the help of Ichigo and the others that she was finally able to gather the courage to confront Kukaku about her feelings, and apologize. Kukaku, and him, much to her surprise, just forgive her, like she'd done nothing more than stealing a cookie out of the cookie jar.

Despite that she'd had stated it wasn't the girl's fault, and told her to quit apologizing, Rukia still felt terribly guilty, anyway, for she knew that she was not the _only one_ who'd suffered. Being their brother, and knowing the kind of person Kaien was, she could tell that it'd been harder Kukaku and Ganju than herself, considering they were actually family, a concept of which she used to ponder a lot, especially back when she was living in Rukongai. She'd never even came _close_ to understanding it, as, even after all the time she'd known him, Byakuya, her so-called 'brother' was just as unreadable as the exact moment they met.

It's not like she wanted to hurt his feelings, or anything, as she knew he _did_ have them. The fact that she'd been adopted into the Kuchiki-clan was proof of that. If it hadn't been for him falling in love with Hisana, she honestly didn't know what would've become of her life.

She hated herself for feeling this way, but knew she couldn't lie, either. Trying to convince herself she wasn't afraid of him would be like a stab in the back to all three of them. She had always been, even at the slightest, somewhat weary of him. She honestly couldn't believe she'd _ever_ be able understand him, and it truly did pain her.

Just as she could never grasp the bond between a sister and a brother, or _any_ kind of family bonds, she could never even _hope_ to understand Ganju and Kukaku's relationship with Kaien. It was all because of her of cowardice, and hesitation that they'd lost their brother; their own flesh and blood.

She held a single hand up, trembling, as rain fell upon it. Anyone else who looked at it might call it pure, or clean, perhaps even 'beautiful'. For her however, in those so-called 'pure' hands, the only thing she could see was blood. Her hands were now forever stained with her master's blood. They were nothing but 'impure', and as long she continued to see them, those painful memories would keep coming back, slowly eating her way. If she continued living; if she continued trying to fight, she knew would only end up putting those around her in danger.

She now bit her lip harder, as the bad feeling in her chest only got worse. It literally felt as though a hand was slowly closing in on her heart, suffocating her where she stood.

Every ounce of sorrow that she'd always kept hidden from others, every single tear that she'd swallowed back, came out at once. Each and every one of her failures; her two hugest regrets, failing to protect _him_, and two, getting Ichigo involved in all the chaos that had ensued Soul Society ever since she'd became a soul reaper; everything she'd felt guilt for, even the smallest things, that she knew _couldn't_ be helped. She could no longer hold anything back.

"K-Kaien-dono..." she choked, as the weight of her emotions brought her to her knees. She hugged her body, tightly grasping her shoulders, as her face froze three inches above the cold wet ground. Sode no Shirayuki remained clutched in her hand, as fresh tears ran down her cheeks, blending in with the rain that was dripping down her face.

People could say that what she did was right as many times as they like, but she wasn't convinced. The fact would never change, she'd killed him. There was other way to put it. She had _murdered _someone, and not just _anyone_. She gulped. No, this was the only man who'd ever recognized her for something other than her noble status; he'd given her a place in the world; a purpose.

After everything he'd done for her; after all the kindness he'd shown her, how did she repay him? She let out another cry, once again contemplating Sode no Shirayuki's blade. Beauty meant nothing at all, when it was an item that'd only been used to kill. She'd killed her own lieutenant; her own master, and someone she practically worshiped. She'd done it with her own sword. Now she had no one. She was all alone.

_Alone..._

She no longer had a purpose in this world. She was...worthless.

_Worthless..._

The wrong person had died back then. The wrong person had _lived_. She should've been dead. She should've died along with him, at theleast. It was obvious to her that she deserved nothing less than death and nothing more than to have the opportunity to say 'I'm sorry'.

However, she could say it over and over, so much to the point of losing her own voice, and it still wouldn't bring her peace, because the truth was _nothing_ would. She was selfish like that. Her soul would never be at rest until she was dead_._

_Dead…_

She cared not to state her sword's name, as she knew even in its unreleased form, its dull blade was enough to kill a person as weak and vulnerable as her.

Setting up, she slowly tightened her grip on the sword, as she pointed it's blade at her heart. Closing her eyes, she could feel it, pounding in her chest. At that moment, she was ready to give up everything. Whatever she saw after death; whether or not she saw _anything_, she was ready for it. She was prepared to die. She _wanted _to die. She _had_ to die…

She gulped once more, her tears continuing to fall, as she thrusted sword towards herself with full force. At that second, she expected to feel sudden pain, or something, but she didn't. A pair of strong and firm, yet warm and gentle hands caught hers just in time to stop her.

"Oi, Rukia, what the hell do ya think yer doing?!"

_~End of Chapter~_

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**A/N: What do you think so far? Review.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Story: **_After the Rain, Chapter 2_

**Disclaimer: **_I don't own Bleach..._

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"Oi, Rukia, what the hell do ya think yer doing?!" a familiar voice demanded, immediately snapping her out of her thoughts. Looking up, she blinked a few times, before realizing who it was standing before her. He pulled the sword from her grip, throwing it to the side. He grabbed her wrist tightly enough to pull her up, while making certain she didn't try to escape.

"R-Renji, what are you doing here?" she looked away, unable to bring herself to look him in the eye. He clenched his fist in agitation.

"Isn't it obvious?! I'm doing what any sane person would do!" he retorted, as if even a blind person would've be stupid to not see it. "I'm here 'cause there's no way in hell I'm gonna sit back and allow you to do somethin' as foolish as that! Are ya an idiot?!"

Her eyes had now met the red haired Lieutenant's gaze, as they searched each other's emotions. In his expression, Rukia saw nothing but pure agitation, disappointment, anger, and disbelief. At first, she was sure it was her those emotions were aimed at. After all, it would only make since that he'd be disappointed in her, considering that anybody who would try to commit suicide were nothing but a coward.

Then again, that's what she was; a weak, useless burden that was always holding people back. If it wasn't for her, there's a chance Kaien might still be alive; if it wasn't for her screwing everything up, or even being there to begin with, even if that same hollow had attacked Karakura town so long ago, she was sure that the person they would've sent instead would've done much better than _she'd_ done. Right now, Ichigo could've been living a normal life, and would've been able to relax all those times, and live off what little years he had left of his youth.

Those two were not the only ones who had been held back because of her. Back when they were in still living in the Rukongai, even their friends had suggested that they should become Soul Reapers, but, at the time, she didn't really care about that. However, Renji, on the other hand, wanted something more out of life; he wanted to be recognized. He didn't want to live forever in poverty. The only reason _he_ stayed, was because _she _stayed, and, at the time, she was too blind to see that.

She knew he was probably feeling downright irritated down deep, but was obviously keeping it to himself. That's just how he was sometimes.

"You're probably right about me being an idiot," she gave a mocking smirk, which lasted for only fraction of a second. "But, either way, what I do is none your concern."

She'd tried her best to make it sound smart-alic, just to piss him off in the hopes it would result in them getting in an argument, and him storming off like always. Maybe if she was cruel enough, he would be happy she was dead. Renji wasn't amused, though, nor was he a fool. He obviously knew what she was trying to do, which only made it worse.

"You're wrong, Ruki-" before he finish speaking, she cut him off.

"If I choose to do what should've been done long ago, that's my decision! I deserve this!" she cried. "You would probably be much stronger if it hadn't been for me holding you back from becoming a Shinigami! Ichigo is always getting hurt and risking his life to protect me, when I don't even deserve it! If... If it'd been any other Shinigami back then, I'm certain they would've _easily_ been able to defeat that hollow, _without_ getting him involved in all this. Even Ganju and Kukaku's lives were also affected in negative ways, because of Kaien's death. You can say that killing him was the only way to save him, and that what I did what was right, all you want, but I'm not fooled. I_killed_ him, after everything he'd done for me! He gave me a purpose; a reason for living. He treated me normal! He was the first one willing to acknowledge me as a normal subordinate. Now that he's gone...I have nothing left in this world. I'm alone...I-I, I just don't know, Renji...I'm so confused..." she looked down, letting her hair shadow her eyes, in an attempt to hide her tears.

Her shoulders were now trembling, as she desperately tried to stop crying. She tightly clutched the cloth of her Kimono with her lone free hand. She didn't like him seeing her like this. _'I've got to stop crying...'_ she told herself, to no avail.

Still holding her wrist, Renji stared at her for a moment, surprised by her sudden outburst, but then he gave a small pain-filled smirk. With his free hand, he slowly reached up, placing a thumb on her cheek.

"Ya idiot…You're impatient... Ya didn't even let me finish my sentence a minute ago." he spoke softly, lifting up her chin, so he could see her eyes. She averted his gaze, now ashamed of how she'd yelled at him. After all, he hadn't done anything to deserve it. He rubbed the corner of her eye, where tears threatened to fall. "Ya said it's not my concern, but yer wrong. It became my concern the exact moment ya dared to even_think_ of leavin' me. Even if all the pain were to stop for _you_, how do think the ones left behind would feel?"

Rukia's eyes widened, in surprise.

"If Lieutenant Shiba's death made ya feel like it was yer fault, because ya were too weak to stop it from happening, then let me ask you this. How do ya think _I_ would feel, Rukia?! And Ichigo?! It's only because of ya, that I was able to get this far. Back in the Rukongai, You were always able to do the things I couldn't. Even to this day, just knowin' you're alive, and out there somewhere, doing your best, is all the motivation I _need_. Ya may not know it, or want to believe it, 'cause you're as stubborn as Ichigo when it comes to things like this, yer place, and purpose in life is with your friends and those ya care about. Ichigo needs you, Inoue-san needs you. Kuchiki-taichou needs you, Ukitake-taichou needs you. Hanatarou-san needs you. I need you, and more than anything, _your master, Kaien Shiba _needs you."

"K-Kaien-dono...needs me...?" Rukia stuttered disbelievingly, in a low and scratchy voice; one of which, if Renji hadn't been standing as close he was, her quiet voice would've most likely been drowned out by the sound of the unforgiving and continuous downpour. Before she could say anything else, she pulled into a warm embrace. Renji placed a comforting hand on her back, allowing her some ease. His grip on her wrist softened, but remained. She was hesitant at first, but after a moment, she let her shoulders relax, resting her head into his kimono. Her free hand had never left her side.

"Ya see, we _all_ need ya, Rukia..." he whispered, smiling above her head. "The scoldin' you're always giving Ichigo is somethin' all of us are gonna need eventually. We _all_ need ya to stay strong, and _live_. Otherwise, _you're_ gonna be the one gettin' the scolding. After all those efforts that were put into stoppin' yer execution; Ichigo went against everything, Ishida was even forced into losing his Quincy powers, Inoue-san was tryin' to do everything she could, I went head-to-head with Kuchiki-taichou, and Hanatarou was willin' to go against the whole fourth squad just to see to it that you were safe. Don't tell me ya forgot how Ukitake-taichou and Kyouraku-taichou fought against the head captain after destroying the Sokyoku. Remember how your brother got stabbed by Gin's sword, in the attempts to save you. After everything we've to keep you alive, you're just going throw it back at us?"

Small gasps could be heard as she sobbed into his Shihakusho. "I-I don't deserve any of this attention... I'm not special like Nii-sama... So why is everyone being so...so..."

"Nice?" Renji cocked an eyebrow, knowing exactly what she was thinking. Her muffled huff gave him the answer. "It's because you're important to us. You're our friend, and like a little sister to me. I can't afford to lose ya."

"Is family really all that good to have...?" the raven sniffled. "I mean, technically, Nii-sama is my brother, and I've known him for years, but when it comes down to it...I don't know...he kind of scares me...but, then again…"

"Rukia? Oi, Rukia, what's wrong?!" he looked down, just then noticing how pale her skin was, as she lay barely conscious in his arms.

"Ren...ji..." she whispered, her sight becoming blurry. A blob of red, and a single curse, was the last thing she could make out, before the world around her faded to darkness.

_~ End of Chapter ~_


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